As I sat with my friend Pearl—a stand-up comedian with a knack for turning life's lemons into comedic lemonade—we peeled back layers of our sobriety journeys. She revealed the complexities of living alcohol-free within the creative arts, a world often drenched in the temptation of excess. From the initial utility of non-alcoholic beverages in her early days of sobriety to her ultimate ability to leave them behind, Pearl's candid stories offer both insight and amusement. Our chatter wandered through the quirks of human behavior, from guessing strangers' crisp preferences to the head-scratching irony of pastry names across borders.
Gather 'round as we explore the bittersweet symphony of vices and their impact on our lives. I share my own sobering dance with alcoholism, guiding you through the darkest taverns of my past, from the deceptive allure of day drinking to the transformative quiet of lockdown. We didn't shy away from the humor found in the everyday, comparing the complexities of finding a simple birthday cake in an artisanal world to the rituals of traditional Belgian beer crafting. Our exchange served as a reminder that within the sober tapestry of life, every thread—no matter how tangled—can lead to a tapestry of resilience and shared understanding.
Wrapping up this week's heart-to-heart on the Sober Boozers Club podcast, I extend a huge thank you for lending us your ears. Don't miss out on the raw stories and the laughter that accompanies them, as they might just echo parts of your own journey or inspire a new path. Keep the conversation going by joining us in our online communities, and look out for the How Remarkable podcast soon to hit the airwaves. Until next time, may your days be filled with sober clarity and the kind of joy that doesn't come from a bottle.
To find out more about the wonderful world of AF/NA Beer and to check in with me head to www.instagram.com/sober_boozers_club
This episode is not brought to you by any sponsors because nobody wants to sponsor me.
As I sat with my friend Pearl—a stand-up comedian with a knack for turning life's lemons into comedic lemonade—we peeled back layers of our sobriety journeys. She revealed the complexities of living alcohol-free within the creative arts, a world often drenched in the temptation of excess. From the initial utility of non-alcoholic beverages in her early days of sobriety to her ultimate ability to leave them behind, Pearl's candid stories offer both insight and amusement. Our chatter wandered through the quirks of human behavior, from guessing strangers' crisp preferences to the head-scratching irony of pastry names across borders.
Gather 'round as we explore the bittersweet symphony of vices and their impact on our lives. I share my own sobering dance with alcoholism, guiding you through the darkest taverns of my past, from the deceptive allure of day drinking to the transformative quiet of lockdown. We didn't shy away from the humor found in the everyday, comparing the complexities of finding a simple birthday cake in an artisanal world to the rituals of traditional Belgian beer crafting. Our exchange served as a reminder that within the sober tapestry of life, every thread—no matter how tangled—can lead to a tapestry of resilience and shared understanding.
Wrapping up this week's heart-to-heart on the Sober Boozers Club podcast, I extend a huge thank you for lending us your ears. Don't miss out on the raw stories and the laughter that accompanies them, as they might just echo parts of your own journey or inspire a new path. Keep the conversation going by joining us in our online communities, and look out for the How Remarkable podcast soon to hit the airwaves. Until next time, may your days be filled with sober clarity and the kind of joy that doesn't come from a bottle.
To find out more about the wonderful world of AF/NA Beer and to check in with me head to www.instagram.com/sober_boozers_club
This episode is not brought to you by any sponsors because nobody wants to sponsor me.
Welcome to the Sober Boozer's Club podcast, a place where we can talk openly and honestly about addiction, sobriety and, strangely enough, beer. I'm Ben, I'm an alcoholic and for the last two years, I've been sampling some of the finest alcohol-free beers the world has to offer. Each week, I'll be joined by a different guest to discuss their own lived experiences on all things related to the world of low and no alcohol beverages. So pour yourself a tipple, relax and let me welcome you to the Sober Boozers Club.
Speaker 1:In today's episode, I talk to stand-up comedian, musician, future podcast host and general sober person. She goes by the name of Pearl. Now, Pearl has been active on the Instagram for as long as I've been sober, making silly little videos just like me, so I thought it would be very important to get her onto this podcast, and we're going to be talking about how you can recalibrate your life once you give up the booze, because being in a creative field is a darn difficult thing. So I really hope that this episode you can relate to and, mostly, that you bloody enjoy it. Hello Pearl, how are you today and how's your day been so far?
Speaker 2:Hi, Ben, nice to be here. You're a very welcome distraction actually. I've just dropped my daughter off at the Eurostar we live in Brussels and she's gone off to the UK to do some exams because she's starting university in October.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:I feel like my right arm's been cut off, so it's a very welcome distraction. It's nice to have something else to think about.
Speaker 1:I spent like six hours in the train station in Brussels coming back from Amsterdam recently because our train got cancelled. So that was fun. Didn't get to leave the train station, just just sat there for for six hours doing nothing. So that was.
Speaker 2:That was exciting did you see any action? There's normally some really interesting stuff going on with boozers no, I saw nothing, it was just a very.
Speaker 1:I saw a cool billboard like an AI kind of billboard that was. That was fun, but other than that I just kind of sat and stared at the person sat opposite me for six hours, um, and he was quite boring, so it wasn't enjoyable that sounds like a nice way to pass the time.
Speaker 2:I like people watching. I'm obsessed with it. When I, when I was drinking, I used to people watch on the bus and look at them and think, oh my god, you look like you don't have a hangover and I would imagine how wonderful their life was to be able to get on the bus in the morning, not hanging my favorite thing with um, with people watching, is trying to guess what people's favorite flavor of crisps are.
Speaker 1:Oh, I think you can tell a lot about someone's crisp of choice. That's a very good one.
Speaker 2:I'm going to start doing that there's a lot about someone's crisp of choice. That's a very good one. I'm going to start doing that.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of prawn cocktail. You don't realize until you start looking for it.
Speaker 2:Hang on a minute, Ben. What is my favorite flavor of crisp?
Speaker 1:Oh no, that's a oh you've got. I'm not going to say prawn cocktail, of course I'm not. I think your favorite flavor of crisp is a classic cheese and onion.
Speaker 2:Oh, I think your favourite flavour of crisp is a classic cheese and onion.
Speaker 1:Ooh, I'm partial to any crisp, to be honest. Oh, that was a trick question then wasn't it.
Speaker 2:No, I haven't.
Speaker 1:Go on.
Speaker 2:I like really sour salt and vinegar crisps. Okay, okay, I like anything that fucks up my taste buds, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's a reason we got so into um, into the booze, isn't there? When really strong salt and vinegar crisps are like, go to just anything that will shock the system just to get a hit.
Speaker 2:I mean, I fuck up all my food with spices now, um, I just, I just put cayenne pepper on everything. I think it gives me some sort of buzz.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I've been. I've been talking to people recently about this and kind of like the functional drinks and all of the nootropics and CBD beers etc, etc. And genuinely going into trying these drinks now like it really shits me up. I'm kind of like, oh shit, I don't want to feel, I don't want to feel anything, but I shouldn't be feeling and it's just ridiculous.
Speaker 2:I don't know if that, if you get any of that, well, I've got to say I know I'm on the sober booze's podcast, but I I don't really drink zero alcohol things. When I first got sober three years ago I heavily relied on it. I've got to say, to start with um, and I was never a beer drinker. I drank um, much stronger things than beer. Uh, so I I didn't really have that association with you know, it didn't trigger me. I didn't sort of think I'm gonna have a beer, it's gonna lead on to more. But I did really crave something like that and and a lot of the beers were good. I mean, like I said, I live in Belgium. I live in Brussels, the beer capital of the world. Am I allowed to live in Brussels, the beer capital of the world? Am I allowed to say that? Is there another beer capital of the world?
Speaker 1:Oh, it's fine. It's fine, it's all right.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah, they have a lot of selection here actually, but what I used to plump for was the Lidl Perlenbacher, I think it's called.
Speaker 2:it's called yes, like 33 cents or something like that. Yeah, another one, and that's what. That's what I used to get and I liked it because it came in a grown-up glass bottle, but now it's changed to cans. But I, yeah, I don't really drink those things anymore. Um, I don't know why it they kind of just the craving left me, as most of my other addictive behaviors are sort of evaporating a bit now. I'm I try not to partake in gossip, but it's really weird all these things are sort of leaving me now. But, um, drink wise, uh, anything that rips my throat out.
Speaker 2:So like uh, schweps tonic with ginger and chili is oh my goodness, it's great, it's so good and uh I know that you're partial to uh we call it sesamil here.
Speaker 1:Choco milk yes, that stuff, my god, that stuff changed my life. Like if I could have mixed that with rum or something of the sort, oh, I'd have had. No, I'd have had even fewer teeth it's dangerous stuff, isn't it? Yeah, it's so good, and how it doesn't last long enough, though, like I've started buying the big cartons now, and still one of those like a day, day and a half it's gone.
Speaker 2:Oh, my god, you're caning it, mate. It's terrible. I've got to say I? Um, even though I don't drink alcoholic drinks anymore, I still drink like a boozer. It doesn't matter what the liquid is, I'm necking it, have you did you do that even oh yeah, I'm like yeah my.
Speaker 1:Like I, I'm often double parked as well. Like I, I get the kind of like I need to have multiple beverages in front of me. Otherwise I don't feel like I'm kind of like I'm living.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's the, it's the spice of life, liquid, but yeah, just not in ethanol form. Yeah, trying on a daily basis not to poison myself with it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. How are you with caffeine now? Are you a caffeine drinker, or were you ever a caffeine drinker?
Speaker 2:I don't drink any caffeine. I am not. I'm not one of these people that's gone vegan and and gone super um, health conscious, but um, and also medication. Anything that I take I seem to have a really strong reaction to, and I drink decaffeinated coffee. I like the taste of coffee, so I still drink decaffeinated coffee, but my, my guitarist made some coffee the other day and I said to him it is decaf, isn't it? This is how rock and roll we are nowadays like yeah, yeah, don't worry, don't worry. Well, it wasn't. He spiked me. He said it was an accident and it ruined my afternoon. I was like climbing up the curtains. I, yeah, I felt terrible.
Speaker 1:That absolutely awful yeah, too much caffeine will send me over the edge now, like it's horrific.
Speaker 2:How much is too much?
Speaker 1:so I used to drink about five cups a day, um, and then when I stopped drinking it kind of went up to maybe seven cups a day and now, once I cross the threshold into my third cup, I'm kind of pre-booking in a panic attack for about 4 PM and like that. But they're not just like the kind of oh, I feel a bit jittery panic attacks. They're like my throat closes and I can't breathe, um, whilst producing so much saliva saliva I could probably fill a mug um, like real brutal, like heavy shit, man, like I've had better come downs than my coffee induced panic attacks. It's wild, it's absolutely wild. I don't know what happens to us when we stop, like taking substances, but I think our body just kind of goes right. I can't anymore. Thank you for stopping, but this has. This is the end now for me.
Speaker 2:You can't put any of this shit into me anymore so come on, you must have some vices that have now taken over is it like doing stuff like this.
Speaker 1:Belgian buns.
Speaker 2:Belgian buns.
Speaker 1:What are they called in Belgium? Are they just called buns? I've always wanted to know, and you're the best person to ask other than the internet.
Speaker 2:I got asked this recently as well by this American comic. He said in Belgium do they call waffles Belgian waffles? Like what are they called? A Belgian bun is just general patisserie. It's like like, yeah, they all have names. Um, are you talking about like these sort of cinnamon buns?
Speaker 1:no, no, no. I'm talking about, like the proper supermarket garbage. Like you've got this the swirled bun, um with the currants and then icing and a shitty cherry on the top.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:You know those ones. I didn't think they would.
Speaker 2:It's been anguished, you see.
Speaker 1:Why are all the best things bastardised Like? Why do we do it?
Speaker 2:It's all right. I mean, you know you've been.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be left wing. I can't be subscribing to that anymore. I'll be cancelled.
Speaker 2:Is there something you want to tell me you've already done?
Speaker 1:Absolutely not.
Speaker 2:Something I don't know.
Speaker 1:Well, just you know, ruined my life for two and a half years via booze. But that's you know, that's all well and good. I'm gutted about that.
Speaker 2:This Belgian bun scandal isn't going to end it all for you. Now, then.
Speaker 1:No, no, I think we'll be fine. Um, I'm genuinely devastated, though absolutely devastated, but that we've done that oh, it's all right, don't? It's. It just sums up this country, doesn't it really? You make something beautiful, like, in fact, why didn't we just call it an english bun? At least then we'd have something to be proud of.
Speaker 2:Exactly, it should be an English bun. The other thing that's disappointing here is that you can't find a shit birthday cake. You know, like a vanilla sponge with shit icing and shit icing on the top. Everything's bloody fancy. It's all layers of mousse and bavois and thin little things of sponge and I just want a bog standard Pokemon birthday cake. And you can't get it here.
Speaker 1:That's outrageous. What do you do, Amazon?
Speaker 2:It's a first world problem, I know.
Speaker 1:So you have to have fancy stuff yeah, it's all fancy, yeah what a terrible place it's such an artisan environment, darling I had.
Speaker 1:I actually I had a belgian beer last night, um, because I bought loads of them when I was in the netherlands, naturally, because that's, you know, that makes sense, doesn't it? Um, couldn't find any beer in belgium, I mean, I was only in the train station, but still um, but found lots of in the netherlands. But yeah, I had one, um, yesterday and it was like an oak smoked, like deep blonde beer and I was like, oh, this is fancy. I was reading about it and I was just like bloody alvis puts carling to shame, like a 700 year old brewery made in oak barrels and now using oak chippings to create a vanillary kind of profile. And we've just got like it's made in Burton. It's like, hey, good, yes, we support farmers.
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Speaker 2:There's a brewery just down the road from me called La Sauce.
Speaker 1:Ooh.
Speaker 2:And they yeah, I think you quite like it in there. Actually, they obviously make a lot of alcoholic beer stuff in there, but they've got a range of um zero percent, um alcohol as well, and it's a really cool hangout. I mean, it is a hipster vibe, isn't it this kind?
Speaker 2:of craft, because it is a craft and I can totally like I'm not gonna. You know, I used to buy into, you know, the degustation, the wine tasting and all that. It is a craft, it is and, um, unfortunately, I love that craft way too much so I can't partake in it anymore. But, um, this place is such a cool hangout and my band play there and um, it's, it's really funky. Next time you come I'll take you there excellent.
Speaker 1:Um, I'm here for that, I do. I need to explore more of europe. Um, because it just like. Some of the beers that are available are just like. Oh, and the weird thing is I'm more into beer now than I was when I drank like I really enjoyed craft beer and like artisan beer when I drank up until about two pints in and then I just enjoyed like anything you know yeah, you'll be.
Speaker 2:You'll be drinking that mug of saliva, won't you?
Speaker 1:it doesn't matter, as long as it's got um yeah, just give me a bit of ethanol, it's spritz it in there. Oh, how many ones.
Speaker 2:I used to. I used to turn my nose up if someone offered me a beer. You know, towards the end of my drinking, that was just like drinking water. It was like what do you want me to do with that? Oh my god I think if I had a sip of it now, I'd be on the floor yeah, I am.
Speaker 1:I did kind of a. I mean this is controversial, I've told, I've told few people about this, but, um, I was at a wedding recently and someone had the alcohol equivalent to what my drink was. I was like I want to try something here, give me a bottle. And it was like you know the wine tasting. So I took a sip, I gave it a swirl, I let it sit in my mouth and then I spat it on the ground. And even if I wanted to drink it, I couldn't have because it was just like the harshest chemical I've ever tasted. And this was a weak ass beer. Man like this was a beer that I could have drank like 12 of and been like right, okay, what do you want me to drive and get some more, because I'm fine.
Speaker 1:Um, but, my god, it was strong. I felt like a child, which was great, you know. It was like, okay, cool, I'm not used to this anymore. Thank you, body, for forgetting that.
Speaker 2:Um, that bliss, but yeah it's crazy how our tolerance levels go up and so quickly as well. You know it's terrifying. I I was served an alcoholic I can't remember what it was, I think it was a Peroni, yeah and they served the table. We had all asked for zero and, you know, bottles came there open and I took one sip of it and I did swallow it and I was like whoa and I felt the buzz straight away.
Speaker 2:What a rush, bloody hell. Oh, this is how it feels to be alive. Yeah, and I felt the buzz straight away.
Speaker 1:What a rush.
Speaker 2:Bloody hell oh this is how it feels to be alive, and I was feeling myself again. Yeah, it was really crazy, and yeah, I did have a mouthful of it. I don't consider it a relapse, though, at all.
Speaker 1:No God no, you can't be like. You know, I had a tiramisu recently and then I read on the label it was like contains alcohol and I was like, oh shit, I've had like a bowl of this and I was gutted and I was like, you know, like fuck it man. Like you know, this is fine. So then I accidentally drank a bottle of whiskey after.
Speaker 2:That was fine as well, but you know, Oops, yeah, yeah, I, that was fine as well but you know, oops, yeah, yeah, I didn't by the way, I think with all of that, you know it's like, um you, each person has to judge where they are with it, because you know there are lots of people that I know that will not eat food that's been. You know they won't have food that's been cooked with white wine or, yeah, desserts or things like that. I'm not there at Christmas eating the liqueur chocolates, don't worry about. But if I know that things have been cooked out and it's all right because I do like the flavor of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cooking with wine is great.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you know, I had a friend. She was like oh, I'm going to a dinner party. They're doing beef bourguignon. Shall, I have it. I said it's up to you If you feel like you're going to go and knock back two bottles of wine afterwards.
Speaker 1:no, that's it, isn't it. It's how much of a trigger is it for you? And can you be honest with yourself? That's the thing with alcohol-free beer for some people. They come at me with 0.5% and it's like, okay, I can explain to you the science of it.
Speaker 1:If you're drinking an orange juice, the chances are you're drinking 1% ABV of it. You know, if you're drinking an orange juice, the chances are you're drinking one percent abv. If you're having a banana, you're between 0.3 and 0.5 percent abv, which is the same as a 0.5 percent beer. But if the flavor of it is triggering and makes you then want to drink full fat beer, then don't drink it, and that's. You know that. That's the decision you can make. But don't come at me with the 0.5. You may as well be drinking like an eight percent. So no, honey, honey, please. Like stop honey. Yeah, oh, my sweet summer child, please. But you know it's. But that's about education, isn't it like you've? It's just you got to educate. I mean, I remember googling exactly how much alcohol was cooked out of meals when you cooked with wine when I started, because I had no idea, like we're not taught this in school not at all.
Speaker 2:And do you know what I remember? My first sober Christmas and obviously living here, there's Christmas markets everywhere and I was like can I drink mulled wine? Like how much alcohol is in mulled wine and it's been in this vat boiling all day. Surely I can have one. Well, no they put vodka in it. Oh man.
Speaker 1:You know I've got like two bottles of alcohol-free mulled wine, but I bought my first Sober Christmas and I didn't open it and I was like, oh, maybe I didn't actually like mulled wine that much, Maybe it was just like, oh, it's warm and fruity and boozy, delicious.
Speaker 2:Yeah, anything's an excuse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's weird how much we'll put into ourselves when it's got alcohol in it. Like it's a very strange phenomenon, isn't it? Yeah, what was it that, in as much detail as you're comfortable with sharing, what was it that kind of made you go right? I need to stop doing this now Because you say it's been three years for you. Yeah, was it one dramatic moment or was it a culmination of events that got you there?
Speaker 2:I reached an absolute rock bottom. I had this. I call it a gift of desperation. I could not continue the way that I was going. Physically and mentally it was absolutely unbearable. I moved here six years ago and I thought I'll do a geographical, I'll go somewhere else, start again and I'll stop drinking. But of course I came to Belgium and I didn't really know anyone, so actually my drinking got even worse because I could just do what the fuck I wanted. You know, nobody knew my reputation, nobody knew anything about me. And then, uh, covid happened and I have seen some of your covid diaries which, I mean, am I allowed to say I enjoyed them. I mean, you were obviously suffering.
Speaker 1:I had a great time. I loved it. Like first lockdown was the one of the best periods of my life. It was amazing, like for me, I just I just kind of processed a divorce, um, and was like, okay, I'm kind of feeling okay again. I was, you know. I had a really vibrant social life. I was drinking every day, but it didn't feel like it was damaging because everyone was doing it. I loved it. It was when the world opened up for me but all of a sudden, these little issues that I'd been like stashing away in the back of my brain all came to the front, was like right, I'm here now and you're drunk, so what are we gonna do with this? Oh, we're gonna.
Speaker 2:We're gonna kick off, um, so covid, wonderful after covid yeah, same, I mean it just, yeah, ramped up big time and um, I mean, I've talked about this before but I have three children that are spaced apart quite drastically and each time I was pregnant I stopped drinking. Um, but then between each of these pregnancies, my alcoholism escalated and it just kept going. I picked up from where I left off and it got worse and worse and worse and, yeah, so by the end of COVID, well then, I don't mind saying I was suicidal, I just did not want to live anymore. Mind saying I was suicidal, I just did not want to live anymore and I couldn't understand how I could live without alcohol in my life. It was everything to me. It was my sidekick. It was there, it punctuated everything I did. I, you know, I couldn't wash up without a glass of wine next to me. It was ridiculous.
Speaker 2:And I became a day drinkerer. I was drinking in the morning, you know, it's awful. I was struggling to try and function and I was really sort of clawing my way through the day. But it just got to a point where I was completely bloody disabled by it. And, yeah, I, like I said, I had this gift of desperation. It was like it came to a crossroads like which way am I going to go? Am I going to bury myself or am I going to fly high?
Speaker 1:You should get that on a poster.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, sorry, I just made that up. It sounded really corny.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's perfect, I'm going to make custom artwork. It's going to have not a penguin, because I can't fly, although that'd be quite funny, wouldn't it penguin? Yeah, okay, cool, that's a side hustle, that's a side hustle, but no, I I relate to that like, for it is your companion. Like going back to my kind of divorce days, as we call it, when I was a deadbeat dog, dad. Um, at the time, my best mate, who was kind of living with me, just got into a relationship himself.
Speaker 1:So, as my relationship fractured and fell apart, he got into a relationship.
Speaker 1:He was not with me at all, really, because he was, you know, he was in the honeymoon phase, so he was always at his partner's house and I was just left sat on my own in my living room like, oh okay, what do I do now? So I started to drink and it became, yeah, like a companion, because I was just content to sit and watch YouTube videos while I was half buzzed, and you know I tried to kill myself twice in that period, but it wasn't enough to make me stop drinking. No, because then COVID happened and everything was like, oh no, this is fine, oh, this is good. Actually, because, you know, he kind of had to stay with me because he wasn't allowed to not. So I think lockdown kind of saved me from going down a really dark path, because I just started really dabbling with with drugs as well, and cocaine was very quickly becoming the love of my life, um, and if it wasn't for lockdown, I think it would have got a whole lot worse.
Speaker 2:And then you know, fuck knows- yeah, it's not really the same snorting cocaine at home as it is in a club.
Speaker 1:No, especially when, because I live just south of Birmingham and you can get it here. But there's been multiple stories from my kind of town of people getting it and then dying. So you know I wasn't kind of up for that really, because once I discovered cocaine I had a whole new reason to live, you know. And the two failed suicide attempts were kind of like okay, I'm not very good at this, so let's find something else to do. Um, and cocaine was great.
Speaker 2:So well, thank god you failed. That's all I can say.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I look back at it now and I'm like fuck, fuck man, like I just want to give that guy a hug, like there were three phases to my, my alcoholism. There was the kind of the preemptive phase where it was kind of like come on, man, you're being an idiot. Then there was the phase in the middle where it was like I was just so sad, like so sad. And then there was the phase where it's like's like okay, you're turning into a cunt now, so stop it the cunt level.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I don't understand where it came from, because my kind of turning into a nasty drunk it took maybe two months, three months, going from, like you know, jolly kind of funny but a little bit down on their luck, to just outright nasty. It was about a three-month period. I was like what the fuck happened? Yeah.
Speaker 2:When I was. Really, I always say, right, it's fun to start with, and then it's trouble and fun and then it's just trouble. That's kind of like what happened and, um, I wasn't really a nasty drunk, I would say I was a very self-pitying drunk and uh, you know, you know the tears would come out. Oh, woe is me. It was absolutely wonderful to observe.
Speaker 2:Um, yeah, I was more self-pitying than self-righteous. I didn't sort of turn into this like massive arsehole, um although actually I probably have some friends that would disagree with that but um, it was more of a self-pitying thing, and especially the drinking alone. I've got to say, actually I've always drunk alone because we've always had alcohol in the house. I didn't have alcoholic parents, but alcohol was always in the house and I didn't see that drinking on my own at home was a problem. And I'm talking about from when I moved out, when I was 17. You know, I would have wine in the house and I would be drinking at home. I didn't see it as a problem. It was just something that I did, whereas a lot of people I speak to they're like oh, as soon as I started with the solitary drinking, that's when I knew it was a problem.
Speaker 1:Well, I'd always always done that, so I probably had always had a problem the thing is, it's not a problem until it's a problem, and that sounds so like that sounds like such a bullshit statement. But you know, just look at middle-class families in England that have a glass of wine every day with their dinner. Yeah, so that's. You know, that's considered fine, um, but I think it's kind of, if you can then just put it down and go okay, I'm done. Now there's half a bottle left on the table. We'll have that tomorrow, whereas I'd spend the whole evening being like I want that wine. Are we gonna have that wine? Shall we have that wine?
Speaker 2:yeah, I've got that. I've got that radar. Still, when I go out because I play in a band, I do stand-up comedy. I'm in bars all the time now and, um, I know exactly what everyone's drinking. I can see how much is in each glass. I can see the speed at which people are drinking. Like you fuckers aren't doing it properly. You know, yeah, because we know how to do it properly and you don't. Why are you allowed to have it? Yeah?
Speaker 1:and I'm so judgmental now when people are like, oh, I am, this is, this is pathetic. But the other day I was at uh, I was at a bar with my mates, um, because they had an alcohol-free beer on tap and it was like, oh, I can go there. Yay, let's take Ben on a nice day out. And it was my round. So I went up and I was like, can I pick a beer for all of you, like a full alcohol beer. And I was so excited going up to the bar, being like I get to look at the beers and then get to pick a beer for everyone. It's like I haven't done this in so long, um, and I ended up just ordering the same beer for everyone because I panicked. But you know, um, but it is wild looking at being like you've been drinking. The worst is, you know, when you want to go home and you're with people and you're looking at them nursing a pint and it's taken them like half an hour to finish it and you're like, how are you drinking that so slow?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like a pint would last me three, four minutes, maybe because it's just like next. But they're sat there nursing this pint. It's like why are you doing this? What's the point in you drinking that?
Speaker 2:There are people like this that exist and we have to live alongside them in society. Ben.
Speaker 1:It's outrageous.
Speaker 2:It's the things that we have to live alongside them in society. Ben, it's outrageous that we have to do. I'm an alcoholic at the core, you know I'm sober but I'm an alcoholic yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:It's just no one would know to look at us no, no, they wouldn't, which is why it's nice to talk about it, because like this is what it looks like, you know yeah, I think it's the most liberating thing to be able to call myself an alcoholic and now no longer kind of after that say but you know I wasn't like a brown paper bag alcoholic like, because there's so many different types of a of boozer and you know I was lucky to not need a drink when I woke up and I didn't need a drink every day. But if I had one then I'd have like 20 and it was just as damaging you know it's about being powerless over it.
Speaker 2:So for me it actually is quite simple. There are two kinds of boozers. There's ones that can take it and leave it and there's ones that um have no control over it, and that's why I call myself an alcoholic, because that's what I am, and it just makes it really simple for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it doesn't need to be this massive stigma attached to it, because it's just nonsense, isn't it?
Speaker 2:And I can't be bothered with this bloody spectrum of alcoholism and it's like I think, if you find yourself on the official spectrum of it, the only way you are going to go is to the brown paper bag bottom end drinking yeah because it's the wheels are already in motion.
Speaker 2:So it's like you know, it's like oh, it's okay, I can moderate, I can do this, I'm gonna do that. Yes, but for and I can only speak from my experience how utterly shocked I was at how my drinking escalated. Each time I'd had a break and then went back to drinking, I literally started from where I'd left, and then it just got worse and worse.
Speaker 1:So I think sooner you can realize that you have a problem, the better, and kind of like Scientology in that sense there's different levels to get to until you're kind of like the grand booze wizard or whatever it's called I'm obsessed.
Speaker 2:I'm obsessed with uh tom cruise. Yeah, I do a bit in my stand-up about him and the science yeah I do. I'm like I think the scientologists have much better funding, so they have much nicer refreshments and, uh, you, you know they're much more organized. You know, it's like the Wild West at AA. You know we're all trying to fucking deal with ourselves, but you know, we need. We need a bit of Tom Cruise energy Tom.
Speaker 1:Cruise energy, just a nice little sober mascot, because you know Ewan McGregor and all of them, they're not good enough. We need Tom Cruise.
Speaker 2:He's so intense. He's so intense, I would love to meet him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it would be wild, wouldn't it? Can you imagine?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I hope that he'd be wearing his Cuban heels as well when I meet him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure, for sure.
Speaker 2:So we'll meet him believe you.
Speaker 1:So what you know being a kind of being a musician, being a stand-up and being around that kind of scene. If there's anybody that's kind of in that scene and they're struggling, what would you say to that person? Um as a performer yeah, um okay, what's it like if a fellow comedian because I found it kind of really difficult with imposter syndrome, like I kind of had my stage self but was fuelled on you know booze, etc, etc. And then coming off it it was like what, if I'm not that person? It's difficult, isn't it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you kind of start relying on it, don't you? And the lines get so blurred as well.
Speaker 2:You kind of don't really know who you are or what you are and, like, from getting sober I've realized I'm not that much of an extrovert. I really like my own company and maybe all of that was just booze driven. But I've got to say there's a guy, a musician, that I was playing a gig with him. I was on the same lineup and he we had never met before and he checked out my profile on Instagram and he sent me a message. He said we're on the same lineup tomorrow and he said I think this is really cool because I've seen that you're sober and um, he was doing dry January and he basically said to me he's got a big problem with alcohol. I went, great, okay, cool, let's hang out together and all that. But I mean I've given him as much advice as I can, but he's very much struggling with it and it's kind of heartbreaking to see, because I can't fix everyone. I mean this sounds very self-centered as well. I mean all I care about is myself.
Speaker 2:um, you've got to yeah um, but it is heartbreaking and I see people come and go out the program as well and I'm like I hope they come back. You know we are here, we can support you, um, but yeah, advice wise god, just I, I think it's just that first admission of like I can't control it because it's always moving the bloody goalposts, isn't it? You know I can make any excuse to to have a drink, um, but that's that's kind of, you know, a physical piece of advice.
Speaker 2:Like emotionally, I would just say have a bit of humility that's perfect add that to the poster wall yeah, a bit of humility, oh, I know, I know I'll help you. Bit of humility, she says with, with humility oh my god that's kind of helped me a bit. Just, you know I I am a piece of shit. You know I am a piece of shit. That's just trying.
Speaker 1:So it's difficult, isn't it for people that I don't want to say, the people we lose along the way?
Speaker 1:But you know the amount of messages I've had from people in my like not my close circle, but in my, in the circle, that kind of is within my orbit of people saying I'm really struggling, can we have a chat?
Speaker 1:And then you go yeah, of course we can, like whenever I'm here, um, and then you just don't hear from them, and then you hear about them being at a bar or being wrecked. And then you get another't hear from them, and then you hear about them being at a bar or them being wrecked. And then you get another message, maybe a few months later, saying I really need help and it's like this is just really sad. Like you know, I was at a wedding a few months ago and I had a family member literally crying on my shoulder saying you need to help my, this person who is also related to me, and this guy killed himself, like not long after. And it's like the weight that I felt and it's not about me, of course it's not but the weight that I felt being like maybe I could have done something there, but you can't, like you can't because you can't do everything you know.
Speaker 2:You're just a person I think we can do things for people if they are willing that's it. That's it you know making, making that first contact. You know I have friends from my, my hometown, swindon hey, first game of football I saw was against Swindon. The Robins.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they were very tall, that's all I remember, but then I was about eight, so maybe they weren't.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we breed tall ones in Swindon. But yeah, I have friends that have contacted me since I've moved away and they same situation as me. They've got to the age of 40 and they're like, holy fuck man, I, I'm an alcoholic.
Speaker 2:I can't stop drinking. I'm trying to be a parent, I'm trying to do this, do that and uh, you know, I've have invested a lot of my time trying to help them and it hasn't. It hasn't worked in a lot of cases. They still know that the doors open and that they can contact me anytime. Um, but it's that willingness isn't it and um, but there are some nice stories as well. There are some, some friends, old drinking buddies of mine, that are now sober and, my god, I am so happy for them, like that feeling of knowing, like we were absolute nightmares together absolute rotters rotters, absolute rotters, and, uh, we still laugh about that because, uh, I mean I don't romanticize alcohol in the way that you know.
Speaker 2:I wish I could do it again, but I had such fun and it did open opportunities for me, and I was even talking to my husband recently like we wouldn't have got together had it not been for the grappa on our Christmas work.
Speaker 1:So it's that's the thing, isn't it like it's sometimes when you look back, you go that was great and like. Sometimes I look back at the person I was when I, when I was a boozer, and I'm like god, I loved that guy, yeah, because I really did like he was great until he wasn't and you know, then it was time for him to go away. Um, it's like kind of like Game of Thrones, the last season.
Speaker 2:Just let me down oh god, ben, I'm so sorry I I haven't seen one episode of game of thrones oh, don't, don't put yourself through it. It's amazing and then it's terrible is this an intervention before it'll be like reliving your drinking career all over again.
Speaker 1:It's just not worth it. Um, it will give you everything it will. It will take over your entire life and all you will care about is game of thrones.
Speaker 2:And then it will cripple you oh my god, yeah, I'll heed your advice.
Speaker 1:I don't think I've ever emotionally recovered. Actually, maybe that was the problem. Yeah, don't watch game of thrones.
Speaker 2:Yeah okay, okay, could it send me into a spiral?
Speaker 1:yeah, yeah, big time. Well, thank you very much for coming to talk to me.
Speaker 2:This has been just.
Speaker 1:I mean I just I love just chatting shit with alcoholics. It's my favourite thing because it's kind of we have this shared experience that nobody that hasn't had it will really ever understand. I know it's kind of it's the most liberating thing in the world, I think.
Speaker 2:It is, isn't it? I love it too. We're all bloody marvellous, aren't?
Speaker 1:we? Yeah, I don't. I'm not saying we're better than everyone else, but I'm not saying we're not.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, I think I am.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, Don't back down. Double down man.
Speaker 2:Can you see how that humility is working?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's good, man, it's good. I mean, the main reason I stopped drinking was just to outlive everyone I didn't like. I mean that's going terribly, but you know we try.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's a bit of stubbornness. It leads to longevity. Congratulations.
Speaker 1:Thank you very much, and thank you again for coming to talk to me, and I will catch up with you, I'm sure, very, very soon all right, have a lush day thank you for listening to this week's episode of the sober boozers club podcast.
Speaker 1:My name is Ben Gibbs. You can find me on the instagram and everywhere else at sober boozers club. If you want to step inside Pearl's wacky and wonderful world, you can head over to her instagram at rock underscore bottomed underscore girl. Also, keep your eyes peeled for the how Remarkable podcast that's, a podcast that's coming up very soon. For now, I'll let you get on that. I'll let you enjoy the rest of your day, because I've waffled on for quite enough. Thank you very much again. I'll catch you very soon.